Alrighty, folks. Welcome back to SDY the podcast.

 

I'm Porter. I'm your host, and here in the month of May, we're covering courage, integrity, and respect as our core values for the month. This particular episode though, we're gonna try something a little bit different.

 

So what we've done here on a podcast before is we've talked to a few different personalities and some individuals about their perspective and their values and how they attribute and use them throughout their lives.

 

This time, we're gonna double it up and go 2 for 1. So what you may have seen in some of the posts leading up to this interview, we're bringing back Dags from the Ozards.

 

Maybe you remember him from a Thanksgiving episode in season 1 and a little bit in our Christmas episode rounding out the year of 20 21. But this time, he brought reinforcements.

 

So Before we get into all of those things, Dex and his wife, jewels, and their perspectives and some of the values that they find are important in raising their family, all of their animals, and throughout their daily lives.

 

Let me first say, if you're new to the podcast, welcome. And if you're a continuing listener, welcome back.

 

I appreciate you stopping in and listening for a little bit without further ado though. Guys, I'm Porter. I'm your host. And this is SDYT the podcast. Alrighty folks. Welcome back to SDYT the podcast.

 

Again, I'm Porter. I'm your host. And this episode, we're talking with Dax and jewels of the Ozarks. No. But for real, guys, III appreciate you for 1, having me into your house so we can talk a little bit in person.

 

It's a lot easier than talking on a video. But number 2, I mean, thanks for jumping on the interview. I I appreciate it. So let's talk to the listeners a little bit.

 

Introduce yourselves. It's it's here from you. Who are you? Yeah. So hey. Dax again. Again, I have my wife here. We've got 2 wonderful children and a multitude of animals, and so we're just happy to be able to get interviewed again.

 

Absolutely. We're excited to, you know, talk about this month's values and just kind of give an input from our perspective.

 

So yeah. This is cool. Now I'm I'm glad we're all coming across well prepared. That helped. I'm okay. I'm kidding. God at all.

 

No. This is this is a cool experience though. For 1, for any of our listeners, being able to hear yourself on the radio is an interesting experience. Do you guys have any sort of experience exposure to that? Not on the radio.

 

I've heard myself, like, recording before because I've saying in in a multitude of different competitions, like, in the past, but, like, not it it is a weird thing because you hear all of the wrong things that's all you focus on.

 

You're like, eyes, knees, or coughed a little there. Like, it it becomes a yeah. You're very hyper critical of yourself. I've done, like, some Facebook lives, but I literally don't go back and watch them because it's uncomfortable.

 

So that's my only experience. But I don't like to watch myself. You know, I've heard actually plenty of celebrities saying the same thing where they'll record movies or play a role or whatever.

 

And then either, like, on a stage play, a straight play, not go to opening night or actors not seeing their own move Right? Things like that. Is that sort of what you're what you're getting at? Or is this just like no.

 

I don't like the way I look in costumes. All of it. No. Yeah. It's just it's like, it's comfortable watching yourself when it just doesn't come out like what you thought you did, you know, for Facebook lives and things like that.

 

I try to not do it over and over again because it makes no sense to do that. But, yeah, it's just I don't like, you know, my voice sounded weird there, or I should've said that there.

 

So, yeah, it's strange. It is odd, but it it humbles you too. Right? Because a lot of the time without those types of checks, I guess, reality checks is is what we call them.

 

But without those reality checks, you have a really easy time, not you guys, obviously, but you, in general, have a really easy time of thinking either you're more or less than maybe how you come across or you don't realize how you come across.

 

So the things that you say, you might mean to say, I don't know, objectively.

 

But somebody else thinks you're being abrasive. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Most definitely. I definitely like, when I was growing up on a multitude of different sports teams, 1 thing that I would get told or I would get yeah.

 

Somebody would tell me or I'd get, like, feedback from me interacting with them was you know, I'd come off as cocky when in reality. I me personally, I was just very confident in my ability to be able to do whatever I needed to do.

 

And so I had to really learn to kinda take a step back because it really honestly, it kinda hurt my feelings a little bit, being that young and not being able to I guess, relate to the individuals because they thought I was being 1 way where I intended to not be that way at all.

 

I just wanted to be close and have that relationship. And that's the thing too, even if you start to feel like you're misunderstood, especially as kids.

 

Right? You start to feel like you're misunderstood. Because the responses you're getting from people aren't matching the expectations you think should be coming from people. But even as adults, I think a lot of that transfers over too.

 

For any number of reasons, you you start to grow and if you're never exposed to how you come across or you're never really exposed to how to be on the receiving end of getting hurt feelings, right, or anywhere in between.

 

But I I think as you grow, it's a little bit easier to start to develop those skill sets.

 

You know? Yeah. I think there's a there's element of, like, constructive you have to be willing to be able to take some type of constructive criticism.

 

Right? And I think kinda starts you can start in, like, sports games, you can start and competition. I know my my wife, Joel, she's done competitions and like rodeos and things like that.

 

And so probably give a little bit better understanding as to kind of what she had to go through and that that essence when it came to having competition introspection and being able to kinda see herself through other people's eyes, but also herself.

 

Yeah. I definitely had a lot of experience with judgment, I guess you could say, because I did queening competition Rodeo quitting competitions. And so, essentially, you are competing to represent a specific rodeo company.

 

So there's different companies that run rodeo circuits. And so I would compete to be able to represent that particular company. And the interesting thing is all of the scoring is objective.

 

So it just depends on what your judges are looking for as to how you are scored on certain things. There was different categories. Part of it was, you know, the way that you rode, and then you had to do a speaking part.

 

And then a modeling part And so a lot of these things can't be scored off of like a basic, you know, score chart It's about how they feel, how you performed, how they feel that you did in your speech.

 

Oh, yeah. Subjective. Sorry. So it's subjective to the judge, not objective. So I apologize. That was the wrong wording. But Yeah.

 

So you had to really be able to take the constructive criticism because they always gave you your score sheets afterwards. And if it was a good judge, they would write they're reasoning for the way that they scored you after the fact.

 

And so you had to be able to take that criticism as constructive and not take it personally so that you could then move forward and do better in the next competition.

 

But, it wasn't the same judges, so you didn't know if their particular comments would still apply to the next competition because you had different judges.

 

So it's just it was a struggle bus there for a while, trying to get used to that environment and, you know, how you were being judged on yourself. Compared to other people. And I'm sure that takes work.

 

It's just not like, you know, your your first competition, something your parents prepped maybe to help manage your expectations, but, like, your ability to interpret and receive that feedback for somebody to say, no.

 

Sorry. You're not good enough and not take it personally. Oh, yeah.

 

I mean, It was definitely a learning curve, but it it builds characters so quickly because well, if you stick with it, because if you continue going to all competitions, you know, you really kind of learn how to take that and move forward with it even if you lost.

 

And I mean, I lost a lot. I only won a couple a couple of competitions.

 

So it was an experience that gave me tools for later on in life that I didn't realize I would use at the time, you know, when you look at jobs and things like that and building other relationships and understanding that not everybody is going to like you or the way that you do things.

 

You're not everybody's cup of tea. That's that is that is very true. That's a fact. Yeah. And you said experiences like that, Julius gave you tools that even at the time, you didn't realize you would need, let alone, know how to use.

 

Great. Right? So since then, what are some instances where you found that to be helpful for you, managing criticism, handling other people's subjectivity, anything in between?

 

I think the biggest I would say arena, if you wanna call it that, that I've really used those skills has been with being a military spouse.

 

And moving as much as we do, kind of finding my people and my circle everywhere we go, because not only are you trying to find family because obviously your family isn't where you are, but you're trying to find genuine friends, you know, to hang out with and spend time with.

 

Also, I would say with learning how to communicate effectively, that's really helped with that because I can have a conversation about things and not necessarily take everything to heart personally.

 

Like, I know it's just a criticism to help me grow, if that makes sense. So just learning to take those and do something with it as opposed to just automatically having a defense against it.

 

That's tough. It's very tough. Especially especially in the military. So for anybody listening, Dax and I are both currently active duty in the Marine Corps, and Jules is not, but like she said, a a spouse.

 

Right? And and that dichotomy is different if you're unfamiliar than say, Well, a spouse in any other capacity.

 

In in my opinion, especially, and guys, please feel free to disagree. But that you've got essentially 6 months out of every 24 Right? Half the year out of every other where you're separated due to deployments usually.

 

And then of the other 18 months, you've got what we affectionately call field ops when you're just out training doing things for anywhere from a few days to a month at a time.

 

To come back, for anywhere from a few days to a month at a time and go back out in any random capacity or job. And that puts a strain on the relationship to you.

 

Yeah. Most definitely. I mean, I I can speak from my perspective when it comes to at that aspect is like, you're you're go go go go go go and you've gotta just it's like you have to flip a switch.

 

Right? So you wanna be a good dad, you wanna be a good husband, and you also wanna be a good consummate professional in arms.

 

So you're representing yourself, you know, sometimes you can't bring in what happened on the job. You've gotta take that off.

 

You gotta you gotta take that off and leave it in the car. Come into the house, and then immediately, it's you don't wanna have that that kind of bleed over into your children's perspective and life everything like that.

 

And they're inherently going to be, I guess you could say, exposed to the absence of their father because of those times part, and so trying to make sure that you do things to let them know that you're still thinking about them, even when you're away.

 

Right? So 1 thing we did as a family we discussed on it, Me and Jewel, is we got the recordable books.

 

Right? And so we were able to record me reading those books for the holidays that I would miss so that they would know that I was I was still there.

 

I was still present. Right? That would have never happened if it wasn't a team effort from her and I.

 

It would have never been successful if she, in the absence of me, would have taken the book at night in the rocking chair and then had my children flip those those pages and my voice come out of that kind of that audio box.

 

Right? So it always everything that we do, I guess, in our marriage, we try you may not be successful always, but we try to make sure that is a team effort in every it's a team effort in every single task that we try to complete.

 

Right? Something as arbitrary as the dishes, and I will be the first 1 to admit. I am not the best at doing the dishes when it comes to some of the things. Right? Rinsing my bowls out my plates and all this jazz.

 

But it is it is 1 of those things where if there is an issue that she has with how I do something, you know, being able to to to bring it to my attention and then me go, okay, I need to eat a piece of piece of humble pie.

 

I need to shut my mouth and I need to listen because I respect your perspective, and I wanna make sure that I honor her by lending my ear when it's necessary.

 

Because I think being an active listener, but at the same time being able to support that person through whatever are going through is a huge plus to being able to attack things as a team.

 

Yeah. But to support somebody through whatever they're going Let's say it's before deployment after deployment, a a workup before you leave it and whatever.

 

You've also gotta understand where they are. Right? Like, as an individual mentally in that whole process as well. And this isn't just military, but for the sake of clarity and perspective here, let's say that it is -- Right.

 

-- where, like, in your guys' case, Dags, as you're fixing to head out to go wherever, do whatever. And, Joel, you're here taking care of whatever, doing whatever.

 

Dags, you've gotta understand where her head's at. Is she it? Is she scared? Is she upset if she's stressed? Is she whatever? Is she comfortable with you leaving? Right. And vice versa, is he comfortable leaving?

 

Is he scared? Is he it is whatever. And then you guys sorta help manage each other's stress or have you found that in your experience, it's just easier for you guys to manage your own and then together over commonalities.

 

I'll let Jill say her piece first on that. I gotta process that. I think that that the way that we deal with that has developed over time. I would say, in the beginning of our marriage, we just kind of stuffed it down.

 

And that didn't turn out so well. Now I think it's just a process of we sit down and discuss it and kind of try to feel out where each other is at in the whole process.

 

We definitely have lots of talks before he leaves about, you know, how are you feeling about this. What about that?

 

You know, kinda set up a plan, well, what if this happens? What if that happens? And I feel like because we can just sit down and discuss things. It makes it so much easier to deal with it when it happens and after it happens, you know.

 

Because it it it never fails when he leaves something is gonna go wrong. Like, it's just life. And so I can't let the dress him not being there to help, you know, get in my head or whatever.

 

So thankfully, with technology these days, I can usually talk to him about it. But we usually have a plan in place in case something goes wrong.

 

So that's kind of a ease for my anxiety over being the only parent when he leaves. But it's the fact that we have sat down, talked about it. I know where where he's at and his feelings about leaving.

 

He knows where I'm at, you know, with him being gone, and we have a plan. Yeah. I I'll have to the second on that. I agree with her wholeheartedly that in the very beginning of our marriage.

 

Right? We we didn't have, I would say, we've had to develop a method of communication, really being intentional with our time with each other and not because now that we have 2 kids, we have to make time a lot of times.

 

But beforehand, before we had our first kid, we would just kind of, like, free flow and go, fly by the seat of our pants.

 

Like, it's it's all happy when you're newly newly married. Right? All the way up until, you know, first 3 years yeah.

 

Car breaks. First 3 to 4 years. Right? And I had to learn to be okay with not always getting what I wanted. And I think that was something that I I was developed from early childhood. Right? Because I was raised as an only child.

 

And so it was a lot about me. Right? And so when you introduce somebody else's perspective, and their wants and their needs, it there has to be like, okay, I've chosen to spend the rest of my life with this person.

 

It's not about me. And I would say over the years, it's gotten easier to really, like, appreciate the fact that it's not about me.

 

Right? Because the gratification of helping somebody else with whatever they're going through or whatever it is or just parenting.

 

Right? Just normal life stressors. For me, it's been a gratification. Yeah. It's definitely been a learning a learning process up to this point to get to where we can actually sit down and have a cordial conversation about a hard topic.

 

And, I mean, those topics, like, without being around the bush, I mean, those topics, I think, that are most stressful to couples, and especially military couples is, you know, finances would probably, on my in my opinion, would be the number 1 that on what they need to spend their money on, how they need to spend it, when they need to spend it.

 

And so Fortunately enough for me, I have a very intelligent wife.

 

She and I have been really working on figuring out how we can create that financial literacy. In both of our in both of our minds so that we can sit down and have a conversation on what's priority and what's most important.

 

So we don't waste what we've been given. And so that we can be good stewards of of what we've been given so that we can show our children how to use finances appropriately for our good and for their good.

 

So as much as I hate to bring this up, but because it is 20 22, I think we need to talk about pronouns for a second.

 

Oh, gosh. There's there's a big difference when it comes to relationships, specifically married couples, I think, more than anything else.

 

Because then you start to take each other seriously. You're like, okay. Now we have a vested interest in this arrangement, disagreement.

 

You know what? No. I really don't like the way you do those things. Right? Or as a matter of fact, you do smell weird or whatever. You know? Like Yeah. Yeah. Whatever the the thing is.

 

Yeah. It's it's the weird stuff that comes up. Right? Because then you're you're vested enough to not worry so much about hurting somebody else's feelings -- Sure. -- because you're both in it, like, at least 50 50.

 

Yeah. The problem is sometimes you hurt each other's feelings because you're both in at 50. Yeah. Right? The arguments generally speak in pronouns here, the arguments generally go I and me versus you.

 

As opposed to we or us. Right? Because the agreement's 50 50, but so is the blame. It doesn't matter what the problem is. Yeah. Right? You ate the cereal You left the bowl in the sink. You didn't do your own dishes.

 

Now I have to clean it up. I have to do these things. Right? And so there's a disproportionate balance in who's taking blame who's taking responsibility -- Right. -- or feels they should have the credit or whatever.

 

Sure. As opposed to it's true. You ate the cereal. You left the bowl in a sink. Right? It's true. You may need to do the dishes. However, you're doing the dishes because he had to eat real quick so he could go change the diapers.

 

Yeah. You know, or whatever. And and so if you sort of zoom out I found through some failed relationship experience and then also talking to other people about theirs that that seems to be the better way to go.

 

Before we jump into, I guess, demonstrative pronouns, this that you doing these things, let's take a break for a couple minutes.

 

And we'll come back on SD Wattsi the podcast. Hey, everyone. It's Stack's here. I just wanted to take a moment and give a shout out to my wife, Julie.

 

She is a artist of sorts, but she has a Facebook page called the B and the Bear creations. And what that page is for is basically, if you wanted to do a specialized item like a tumbler or a hat or a vinyl or a decal or a shirt.

 

You can go there. You can ask some questions look through the wares, but then give a DM and try to sort it out, and then work it in just pricing.

 

But if you're interested something like that, go ahead her page is the be and the bear creations on Facebook.

 

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Alrighty folks. Welcome back to SDYT the podcast. Again, sitting here with decks and jewels, and we're talking about all sorts of stuff for couples and boundaries, effectively communicating, all kinds of different stuff.

 

There were a couple points you guys made, we get into this next section here that I think worth mentioning again. 1 of the points you made up, interestingly enough, I had a guest on an interview, I think, a few months ago now.

 

Ben Green. So if you listen to this man, shout out back to you. But he brought up a similar point to ensure that you don't have your work mind at home or your home mind at work.

 

And so that way you can sort of focus on whatever it is you're doing and be present in the moment. And then we talked about the benefits for teamwork.

 

And the downsides of trying to figure out how to work on a team and that there are downsides. Right? And that you need to learn how to accept criticism. Ideally constructive, but criticism nonetheless.

 

And then what we rounded off with was pronouns. Before we get into some of that, First, and I guess most importantly to our listeners. Welcome back, and jewels and decks. Welcome back as well.

 

Thank you. Oh, bye. At the same time. And so okay. So what we were talking about though was pronouns. Like, I did this. You did this. You don't do this. I do this. The and I'm sure a lot of our listeners can relate as well.

 

Like, is that your daughter messing with our son type comments, and I think a lot of that translates pretty easily. You know, your son got in trouble today. Or what was the the book For Dawn, he's your son. Yeah.

 

A lion king. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Lion King's another 1. Right? But, realistically, yeah, I think pronouns do make a difference even in relationships. Right? So if we're talking about disagreements though, let's let's open with that.

 

Your guys opinion on managing disagreements? So I have, like, a little a little story for for kind of that where just overarching for the first part of me and Joel's marriage where we were or I was deployed.

 

Right? And so Julie had just started working at a place that she had been working for.

 

All I wanted to do after a long training op was buy some ramen noodles, and pretty much like a single kraft cheese. Right? So it literally it's just like something so simple, so easy. 2 weeks in field.

 

So I go ahead and I go and swipe my card, well, it declined. And then I'm sending her in line. There's probably, like, 13 marines behind me staring at me. Right? So you have now you have the pressure from your fellow compatriots.

 

And then you also have, like, the pressure to hurry up. Right? Because at the time, I was like a PFC. So I was very I wasn't very high, so there's a lot of pressure but and it denied twice.

 

And so I'm sitting there and I'm kinda like, oh, no. Well, 1 of the probably a terrible joke in the marine corps and 1 of those things like that is, like, pretty much you're just your relationships are never gonna work.

 

Right? So Oh, yeah. There's Yeah. That's that's that's like the it kinda sets a bad precedence anyway. But So my squad leader looks at me and he's like, she did it, man. Like, she did it. I told you.

 

And -- He would. -- left you. Oh, and so and so the the whole premise of it is is oh, boy. It's not funny bear. No. It is fun. Okay. So then the the aspect of it is is, like, I immediately ran out to the little Call booth to call.

 

And I I called her, and I was like, probably not in the best tone of voice or words used, but I was like, where is my money? Right? So we were talking about pronouns, and I think that kinda goes in as I said my. Right? Sure.

 

Yeah. Whereas in Yeah. We have my son right here. Oh, no. Yeah. What'd you do? He's trying to get in on the conversation. So in case sitting, the the viewers don't know. He's He has a battery operated tractor and the battery died. Yeah.

 

And then once the and once the mic was put to his mouth, he had no idea what to do, so he just froze and couldn't talk. But to continue with the story, I called my wife. Right? And I I told her that. I said, where is my money? Right?

 

She immediately starts breaking down and crying on the phone, which I feel absolutely terrible about because I had already assumed that something was array and wrong, and I didn't give her the chance to be able to explain anything.

 

And then eventually after I felt bad, I retracted my statement.

 

It was, like, can we just not Remember that, can we just start the conversation over? I apologize. What happened. Right? And so what ended up happening was is my vehicle had broken down on her.

 

She she took all the money that we had gotten paid and went and got the vehicle fixed because she had to have something to drive to and from work, obviously, so that she can, you know, get there.

 

She was gonna take the money for that she had gotten paid and immediately the next day put it back into the account unbeknownst to me and totally out of the loop, she's handling all of stressors back home, and I'm just trying to buy some ramen with some single scrap cheese.

 

You know? So so so there was there was 2 2 different problems ads, probably 1 more severe on her part than mine. Right? I just couldn't afford some singles craft cheese with some Robin, and she was trying to fix a vehicle. Right?

 

So that was that was deaf a disagreement that sticks in my mind, whereas in I kinda, like, needed to take a step back before I start being like, I pretty much made an accusatory statement without knowledge that she had from her perspective, I don't know what she felt in the process.

 

I mean, we've talked about it, but she can share her perspective.

 

Yeah, Joel. Scared to death. No. I I felt really bad because, you know, obviously, I had no way of letting him what happened. So the fact that that's how he found out was upsetting to me.

 

You know, it's not like he just had a cell there where he was at that I could call and say, hey, by the way, I had to use all of your money because the car broke down, you know.

 

It was upsetting that he was so frustrated, but I also understood his frustration because he had no idea where all the money went.

 

But I was least glad that I could replenish the bank account the next day with my my paycheck. But, yeah, it was not the way that I wanted to explain to him that, hey, our car we got for free is now not free.

 

So I totally get that. I I hate to try to dig my way out of an argument over a slice of cheese. Yeah. Absolutely. It was not worth it though. Yeah. Yeah. I was just excited to have something warm that wasn't an MRI.

 

Assuming the heater worked. That's exactly right. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. You bring that up. We talked a little bit about rhetoric. Right? So how you say and how you get people to align with what you're saying.

 

Specifically, 2 different types forensic rhetoric where you're referring to things in the past and then deliberative rhetoric where you're placing yourself in the future.

 

So similar to what you brought up, what happened to my whatever, in this case, your your money. As opposed to, okay, well, how can we handle this better in the future?

 

So this doesn't happen again. And I I feel like that oftentimes brings a lot more understanding and empathy and compassion, which I think ultimately translates into being a good steward of your marriage or of your -- Oh, yeah.

 

-- relationship. Oh, yeah. You know? I mean, it's not speaking when you're angry is, like, not eating when you're hungry. You know? Like, maybe or not not eating. What do I say? Not shopping when you're hungry.

 

But I mean, no, it still correlates over. It's like it's 1 of those things where because of the impulse that you have when you're angry to say something to try to fix that situation, I look at that as being kinda the the similar aspect.

 

Yeah. And that that's basically the parallel I was hoping to make. So, yeah, I'm glad that came across.

 

Doing it in a way that you show you're still able to respect the other person, either as a person or their perspective or their opinion, but saying something to them in a way that doesn't make them feel invalidated.

 

Oh, yeah. I think it's important. The tricky part is you don't always know that threshold is until you hit it.

 

And and then it's tough to forecast. Right? If you guys sounds like we're running into something, is this? Here. I feel like that threshold changes also. So when we first got married, I was not very tolerant of any discussion.

 

I had had a prior relationship where basically I had no say. And so I felt like I just needed to do what I was told. And so when we would sit down to discuss things, I would immediately get upset and just start crying.

 

And so I felt like I was getting in trouble or, you know, like, what did I do to make him upset or instead of sitting down and actually, like, working through the problems set.

 

I would just get upset and shut down. Sure. Whereas now, my threshold is much different than it was before, but it took a lot of work between then and now.

 

She hit me where I am, obviously. Well, and and and as a husband looking at that scene, I think as as men today, we we tend to wanna just fix it. Right? I think we're just fixers. Right? And I I'm making Jen Okay. I'm being general.

 

Yeah. I couldn't figure out a fit. I think the way that I took that was I noticed that it would cause emotional distress to talk about a hard subject. Or if there was something that I disagreed with, it would be me to be tears.

 

Right? And so I had to take a step back and go, okay, how do I convey this message out of love and out of care and out of a way and make sure that she understands that she's valued in the process of this but I still disagree.

 

Again, take a few steps back and go, okay, I need to make sure she knows. Right? I need to make sure that she knows She is of value that she is important. Her perspective is important.

 

It brings me joy to hear her perspective and also brings me joy to understand where her mind's at so that I can better make better decisions regarding her, not for her, right, because she can make her own decisions.

 

And I think that was a I mean, I don't even know what years it was before that happened.

 

I mean, it just kinda happened. Yeah. I think it definitely developed over time, and I think once we had our first child, that helped because I needed to be able to communicate better to set a good example for our child, you know?

 

And it threw another subject in the mix that we had to talk about all the time.

 

I just I feel like it took probably 3 or 4 years before it really sunk in, and we kind of got a good method for communicating effectively, getting the point across without causing too much, like, stress or Motion distress.

 

Yeah. There you go. That's the word. Yeah. And a lot of that too, you said, like, your threshold changing, for example, over time.

 

I think a lot of that too also as you're in any relationship, professional, personal, you know, a a married capacity, whatever, that you've got you've gotta build an awareness, right, of what's gonna put somebody over the edge?

 

What is too far? Until you start to understand. Right? Like, there's couples that have been married for 50, 60, 70 years. That are extremely rude and offensive to each other, but don't get offended from each other.

 

Right? And and I think that's a threshold. Once you understand that it's okay to trust somebody and be vulnerable and then accept that level of trust and that level of respect. Because that that's got some weight to it as well, I think.

 

Once you start to make that transition to in a relationship where you're like, okay. Well, we are that comfortable with each other. I don't know if I'm ready for that. That can be off putting sometimes too. You know?

 

I mean, are you guys finding that that's something you've had to work through? So, like, when it comes to, like, the, I guess, you could say the words used I would definitely say that I have less patience than than Joel's does.

 

Her always being around the children and things like that and having, obviously, me to deal with when it comes to certain things like that.

 

If I were to describe her in 1 word, Right? And, like, just to encapsulate who Juul's is. Right? It would be kind.

 

Right? I've and I think I said that before but it's because it's the approach. Right? So I it's like 1 of those things for me. I've had to learn how to be kind. Right? By her example, honestly, by watching her interact with me. Right?

 

When I'm at my angriest or when I'm having those things, I see her reactions to it whereas in she could easily probably take what I'm saying and go 90 to nothing in a different direction, and it would it would probably make the situation worse.

 

Right?

 

So I give her props on teaching me on how to, like, okay, cool. This is not the best way to handle that type of situation. Let me stop, pause, listen, and then be able to respond accordingly without being so emotional in the process.

 

Joel, you gotta Counter point, I guess. Is that Once I ride or always this, if I totally have to mark here. No. I I definitely I definitely agree.

 

And, again, that's something developed over time. But when you're a very passionate person because, let's see, he calls me kind. We'll say his word is passionate about all things and not always in the best way, but that's okay.

 

Sometimes it's hard to tailor that back. When we first got married, he's very abrasive, I guess, would be the best word, not necessarily in a bad way.

 

Not intentionally. Not intentionally. Not intentionally. Yeah. But he's he's blunt about everything. And so sometimes, it's hard to take those blunt statements and understand that they're coming from a loving place.

 

And so if a lot of time for him to figure out how to word things better. It's still blunt, but it sounds better. If that makes sense.

 

So it's it's easier to take those statements or those criticisms or if we're in the middle of a discussion about us a specific thing and I don't necessarily want to talk about it or want to hear the truth about the situation or things that I need to do better.

 

But if it's worded nicely, it's much easier to process that information and really do something with instead of just taking that information in and going, I don't wanna hear it.

 

I don't wanna work on it. Okay. So I got a poignant example in. So, Joel, you're home school. Right? Yes. Okay. So, I'm sure that's a parent working with kids. Right? Not not as a parent, but like obvious working with kids. Yes. Right?

 

Where you've gotta find ways to get things to come across -- Oh, yes. -- to be effective. Right? So And it doesn't matter which school you go to. Home school, private school, public school, military school, whatever, any of the above.

 

There's always sort of a a building block or or stepping gradual progression to what you're trying to get across. Right? So if we think about let's just say, the epitome of a relationship is being able to communicate without a friend.

 

Okay? And so if that's the case, where does that start? And and I think what you guys have just described is it had to start with you guys identifying each other's boundaries.

 

But having enough courage to tell the other person, I'm not comfortable with this. No. This isn't okay. Or I'm alright with that. That's fine.

 

And any anywhere, anything in between, and whatever that might apply to, would you say that's an ongoing thing? Would you say that was something you've accomplished, and now you feel pretty good, so you're moving to the next phase?

 

How does that I would say it's ongoing because I don't think you ever stop learning about the other person. I I think if there's a point where you decide, we're good now.

 

We don't need to talk about these things or push the boundaries, or anything like that, I think you stop growth in your relationship, which then makes it become stagnant and not so fun.

 

So I do think that's something that you have to continually work on because we don't remain the same people throughout our lives. We're constantly growing and changing.

 

So pretty big. Would you like to input on this subject? Yeah. I'll hit that. So I'll I'll I'll touch on that. You know, like, I look at my wife now. Right? And I and I see her perspective and I see her her mindset and things like that.

 

And then I think of myself back when I was 20, 21 years old, and I I go, man, if I was that person today, with this woman today, she would have to have a whole lot more patience and a lot more understanding.

 

Be a lot nicer. Oh, yeah. She yeah. Just because because I think that person wouldn't have been ready for I mean, for a woman of of her caliber.

 

The development and the understanding and the maturity and goal oriented. I mean, it's all of those things. And all of those perspectives are shared.

 

Right? I think there's a lot of there's a lot of this, my money my goals, my this, I this, me me me, III when when in reality a and this is something we've tried to wholeheartedly focus on is being a team.

 

Right? And to be a team, you have to at least like I think you've mentioned it for you, you have to respect each other.

 

You and then if there is something that could be an issue or is an issue or or you see as a problem, you have the courage to step up and say it to the other person like, hey, and you don't have to be degrading in the process of doing it.

 

Right? You don't have to break them down so you feel better about yourself in the process.

 

Right? Because when they benefit, you benefit because they're gonna they're gonna feed off of that energy. That's why every argument gets worse. Yeah. I just yes.

 

It's just like a volcano. Sure. Calm breeds calm. Oh, yeah. Definitely. And it's difficult though to know what comes across as degrading or belittling or invalidating when you're used to speaking a certain way to certain people.

 

Right? Like, decks, you and I were both in the infantry community in the marine corps.

 

There's a different way. It's a different breed entirely. Of of dealing with people, communicating with people, resolving conflicts. Yeah. You know what? Before we get into some of that stuff, let's take a break for a couple minutes.

 

And we'll get more into boundaries and becoming the person you want your son or daughter to marry. How do you set that standard And then, you know, is pushing boundaries sort of as you grow and change, maybe preferred or ideal?

 

Or is it just by virtue of growing boundaries get pushed? We'll touch on more of that here in a couple minutes on SD YT the podcast.

 

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12615 Tarpon Springs Road in Odessa, Florida. The place with the boiled peanuts. Alrighty folks. Welcome back to SDYT the podcast. Again, I'm Porter. I'm your host. I'm sitting here with Dax and jewels.

 

We're talking about all sorts of things, relationship related, courage, integrity, respect is our core values for the month. And so first of all, to all of our listeners. Welcome back. And Dax and Jewel, welcome back.

 

Thanks. No, we didn't. We're all we're all. It's okay. It's it's alright. It was close. And and again, Thanks for inviting me into your home to do this. I I appreciate the opportunity and your kids are pretty legit.

 

So thanks. But where we left off, we we were talking about becoming the person that you want You're in this obviously a subjective perspective, but becoming the person that you want your son or daughter to marry.

 

Right? So you've got a sort embody certain values, obviously, that you wanna pass on to them, but almost more importantly, you've at least got to inherently try to embody certain things.

 

And so here here's an example. So we've got a guy on survival dad y t, his name's Jimmy Mullen.

 

He's 1 of our hosts, and he he's he's really into a Bitcoin cryptocurrency and all sorts of things. Anyways, he's he's out of Dublin if you guys get a chance any of our listeners or Dax and Jewel.

 

If you guys get a chance, check out. Feel free's got some videos up on YouTube as well. But the point being, there's an interesting parallel here.

 

Right? Where everybody's seemingly talking on social media about money and investments and how to get something from nothing it almost seems like in terms of value exchanged and appreciated, not the fact that it's digital.

 

I feel like there's some parallels there into a relationship also.

 

Like for example, building your own barriers, actively taking a role in a relationship to you know, continue dating your spouse or take care of and show an interest in the other person's life, career, hobbies, whichever.

 

And there's a good and bad threshold that requires the active effort. Right?

 

Because if you go out of your way intentionally or otherwise and somebody gets offended, maybe you drink too much, maybe you argue all the time, maybe embrasive and you refuse to change or refuse to go to therapy or counseling or whatever.

 

Well, that takes an active effort. Sometimes, it's out of spite. Sometimes it's not, there's good things too. Right? So let's talk about that for a second, guys. Let's say a return on your investment.

 

The initial investment that you put into a relationship is your dating, and then gradually, it turns into, I guess, more traditionally, you're courting somebody and you're making the effort to do these things.

 

But if you want to maintain relationship, maybe in 1 perspective while you're dating, it starts as a buy and hold for any number of reasons.

 

Right? Maybe you just like physical things, maybe you like mental things, maybe you like superficial things, whatever.

 

But but you decide, in that courting process, you wanna buy and hold for a while. Sure. Right? So you wanna capitalize on your investment, try to lock it in.

 

And then the goal is you get 2 people to agree on holding on for dear life. That's the idea. Yeah. That is Right? Right? If you see there's value in it, you're more likely to hold on to it for a while.

 

But just because you made a dumb decision when you were young and invested too early and didn't know what you were getting to doesn't always mean it's a bad investment.

 

It just means you gotta do some homework and learn along the way. Right? So just because you're not compounding daily, doesn't mean compounding quarterly is a bad thing either. Right. It just takes some time.

 

And I think to get away from the financial analogy and back into relationships, you've gotta be able to take an active role in the relationship to turn it into something that maintains value for you and your partner.

 

In whatever capacity for you guys as military spouses, how do you maintain that level of interest I'm sure you don't care about everything each each other does.

 

You can't have the same interests all the time. Yeah. No. I don't think no. We we don't have the same interests each other.

 

We do have a lot of common interests. And again, I'm speaking from my perspective in jewels, she'll definitely let let it be known if I say something that's not correct. Which is good, which is what we want.

 

But I I wanna go a little bit back to I wanna I wanna tell this little kinda story kind of background so that so it's easier to understand kind of like where me and Julie, I guess, are going and how we're getting there.

 

We were friends for 6 months. And at the time, I was dating somebody in that time period. And she was a really good friend up to that point. Right? It was a very good relationship when it came to just having a good friend there.

 

But when I broke up with this this 1 girl and I was still friends with with Julie, there was a a moment of like aha. Right. Where I didn't realize how good of an investment if we're using the financial financial kind of aspect was.

 

Like, I looked at all the pros and cons and I weighed I weighed in measure. Right? And I saw that it was good. Right? She was good. She was kind.

 

She was something that I would want to look for in spouse. And I was like, okay. Cool. I'm gonna go ahead and and date. Right? I was kind of feeling it out like you said there's a dating phase, kind of a quoting phase aspect.

 

Right? But I was only able to date her for 3 weeks. So I was only able to, like, date her in person for 3 weeks, and then I went immediately to boot camp.

 

So when you're talking about personal communication, that was cut off via the military. I went to boot camp and I literally was only able to communicate with her by writing letters.

 

And she made 1 promise to me. Okay? So this is something that that that was huge because it kind of plays into the whole 5 love languages aspect. She made a promise and she goes, I'm going to write you every single day, right?

 

That might have been just like a kind of whatever promise. I'm sure there are many other relationships where it says, hey, to their significant other, hey, I'll be here for you when you get back the whole bit and -- Sure. Yeah.

 

-- you know, they're gonna write 1 every day, but no. Legit, I have a letter with every single training day numbered on an envelope where she actually wrote every single day. And during that period of time, we communicated via a letter.

 

And I I looked at this and I go, oh, no, man. I am not letting this opportunity pass by. And I said, I'm gonna I'm gonna marry this woman. I didn't know how. I didn't know when.

 

I didn't know Honestly, I couldn't tell you exactly as to the the the specifics of why. But I literally said, I was like, I'm jumping on this good thing and I'm gonna make it work. Do you think maybe it was because you felt valued?

 

Oh, yeah. I definitely believed that there was, like, there was definitely I I felt that the attention was there, the the fact that she made up of a priority. Right? Would I have been mad if she didn't write letters every single day?

 

No. I don't think I would have. I think we would have gone back to the the the dating phase kind of courtship concept, but it expedited the process whenever it was like, wow, that small act of investment for her.

 

Right? Where she just kind of She did what she said she was going to do. She's a woman of her word. I didn't have to necessarily worry about that. It was just a nice little sign and I go, I got to jump on this.

 

Right? I can't let this I can't let somebody else have this opportunity because it's it's mine and I'm gonna take it. And so when I got back, I straight up was like, I went and took her out to dinner.

 

She had no idea. She had no clue. I she has told me that before. And so, yeah, if you wanna tell that part, you can. That's fine. You're doing a great job.

 

Okay. Cool. Okay. So I'm doing a good job. So so I'm saying it alright. Basically, I took her out to eat, and I had a little bag, and the little bag had a shirt in it, and it said, Was it a Fiance of a United States Marine?

 

So on the back, it said Fiance of a United States Marine and on upfront, it said, jules will you marry me just saying Dakota? Yeah.

 

So it was it was kinda like a little idea that I wanted to I wanted to throw in there for it, but the the it was awesome because I coordinated ahead of time to the restaurant and they kinda set us off to the side in a booth and I had the president underneath.

 

And I said, hey, I got I got some before you. And I had to make sure that she was because she was ordering drinks.

 

Right? So it's like as a celebration and stuff. So I wanted to make sure that when she she responded to the question, that she wasn't in any way, shape, or form, inebriated?

 

Yeah. Sure. So just to verify that it was really like, she was on board. And so I had her open the the president.

 

And as she opened the shirt, I dropped down to 1 knee, and I had the ring whenever she went and then she did the whole His timing was perfect. Yeah. It was good. And and I literally ugly cry or she ugly cried, like You ugly cry?

 

Yeah. No. I did. No. I actually had to hurry up and up and hug her so that I wouldn't laugh whenever it's, like, because she was waving her hands in her face trying to make sure I'm asking her to I didn't wanna make up except my makeup.

 

My makeup was beautiful. That. She was. She still is. But the the whole premise of it was is, like, I I was able to jump on that before anything else happened in process.

 

And all those little things are memories. Right? And I think memories that you make with each other and you intentionally make an effort from both sides. Right? Is that investment?

 

So going back to your original question before I made a very long a very long story to bring it all back to this point is have to make sure the person feels valued and that they know that you're making the effort, not out of a selfish means, but out of an unselfish means to meet their needs.

 

Because if that's not if that's not the intent, if you're just being selfish, then eventually they're gonna they're gonna find you out. And that kinda goes and plays into the the whole integrity aspect a relationship.

 

Right? As being able to not have to always be in the same presence, like, we were we I think the first year we were married I only was with her for in person for AAA month?

 

It was probably about 2 months because you went on a 3 month training and then came back home for a couple of weeks and then went on a full deployment.

 

So I think that integrity piece, right, and and showing that investment and that that that kinda effort.

 

I think it all plays back into effort, whereas in you hear it from the olden days. Right? From all the relationships that kinda, like, that that were I mean, yes, they were arranged.

 

They were they were those those kind of problem sets where you don't get a choice, but the, I guess, the value of it is is they ended up figuring out how to work through it.

 

Right? It's kinda like there was a problem. We come together as a team, and we respect each other's perspective enough, and we can figure out how to find a solution to this problem.

 

Right? So okay. Yes. I I agree with you, not to invalidate your point. I feel valued. Thank you. Oh, but I think talking about olden days just to clarify here so I'm clear, let alone any of our listeners as well.

 

You're only talking, like, 5, 6 decades ago, not, like, hundreds of years ago. No. Yeah. I'm I'm talking, like, our you know, like, maybe, like, 5 generations ago, maybe.

 

Oh, well, so a little bit But okay. Even still foundation of America being 255 years ago. So it's like you I think it's 255. Don't quote me. You can check me later. It's fine.

 

But that whole concept of, like, that time period right moving out is very hard and it was very there were marriages out of necessity, but it's hard to be in the same kind of confined space with somebody without learning about them.

 

Right? And so I think those aspects where you learn about else and you learn how to work through those problem sets, I think that's a huge benefit whenever you go into a marriage.

 

And you're able to choose. Right? Because we are. We have the ability to be able to choose to, like, I'm not working it out or I'm going somewhere else.

 

So it really shows resiliency in a relationship whenever you actively try to engage with that person even through the hard times, especially in today's world.

 

Well, okay. So let's go that direction. So we're talking about like in a marriage for example in this context specifically but it could be an individual to a job or business.

 

It could be you to your own business. It could be you to another person sexually -- Yes. -- romantically in a marriage whatever.

 

Yes. Just dating, you and friend and you're both 8, could be anything. Any context of relationship. You said in today's day and age, in terms of how relationships are developed and built and maintained or even initiated now -- Right.

 

-- technology has changed a lot of things. Right? And so what you even you 2 for that matter, what you text each other, you sort of know better what the other person means A lot of that stuff now, there's not as much of a need.

 

Oh, seemingly, there's not as much of a need to build interpersonal relationships and that's a skill set that obviously isn't bought.

 

Right? You get somebody onto a team, sports team or whatever in school or not, maybe gymnastics or something.

 

But once you get into building interpersonal relationship skill sets, it's not the same as it was before technology changed everything 30 years ago.

 

Absolutely. 1. And, you know, if you think about these past 3 years, 2 years, how long has this whole virus thing been going?

 

I don't even know. Little over 2 now. Yeah. A little over So, you know, now we have a lot of people who are still working from home -- Mhmm. -- who may have been introverted before, who are even more so introverted.

 

They don't have to interact with the person on a day to day basis. So that's another thing, you know, we have zoom now, so more technology to affect the way that things are ran and the way that we communicate with people.

 

And, you know, you see this a lot in kids in school too, where they have a a harder time building relationships with fellow classmates or really communicating with their teachers just because they are so used to it being via text message or Facebook or, you know, they're spending a lot of time on tablets and things like that.

 

They're not getting that playtime outside with people or really getting face to face interaction with other kids.

 

So it just makes it harder for them to, you know, make friends, which has we've seen a huge spike in bullying because of that too. But you can kind of look at that same trend in adults as well.

 

It's a lot harder to bully somebody or to say something hurtful or to talk about things you don't wanna talk about. Via text message or social media than it is to say it to somebody's face.

 

So -- Sure. -- you know, that I feel like that makes it harder to build communication skills that are healthy as opposed to sitting down and having a conversation with somebody face to face?

 

Yeah. I mean, you can have inner you can have healthy conversational or communication skill sets. I think even via text and digital media, and and we're gonna see that with this generation now.

 

It's coming. It's just a matter of time. So we gotta figure out how to balance that and build interpersonal skill sets, teaching, like, in this case, encouraging values, or whatever.

 

How do you do that. Like, you guys, how do you do that and balance technology, digital influence with building interpersonal skills and self reliance? So what we recommend and what we as a team.

 

Right? And we both have to be on board with this, is we I don't want my children to be, like, raised in the stone age where they don't understand how to, like, get on a computer, understand those types of things.

 

Right? But at the same time, I don't want them to be so inundated with information that they don't know how to properly siphon through all that information. Right?

 

So we do a lot of communicating with our children, inner personally, and we also expose them, right, a little bit at a time incrementally to technology, whereas then we use technology for a means where, you know, if we have, like, different academic aspects where they can do, like, interaction, hand eye coordination, being able to understand how to type, those aspects are are key, I think, in moving into the future.

 

But we also wanna give them the opportunity to be able to understand some of the lessons that we learned when we were growing up, where we have 18 animals we have a 25 by 53 foot garden, and so they go out there and they work with their hands.

 

They're learning how to identify certain problem sets mechanically and being able to fix those along with being exposed to technology. So I think they're going to be better prepared.

 

As long as they're not overstimulated with a bunch of information, but they're able to be able to look at it and go, okay, this is good, this is what I need, this is bad I can do without this.

 

More holistically. Yeah. Right. And and I think it's it's hard to teach discernment comes those things.

 

I think 1 way that children learn, right, is how we represent ourselves. Right? And kinda going back to how do you become what you want your, say, my daughter to marry or how do you become what my son will want to become?

 

Again, it goes back to kinda like the same aspects of relationship, putting in a lot of effort into developing yourself. Right? Because how how good am I How much can I give if I don't give myself time, right?

 

If I don't figure out how to develop myself, how much better will I be for that person? If I value myself. Right? Because then I understand what that kind of like what that value is.

 

The ability to be able to recognize where you're lacking I've asked Julie outright where I go, hey, Julie, what is about me after this deployment or after this training or whatever it is at this point in our lives.

 

Right? How old we are. What it is what is it about me that you don't like? You know, and she sometimes has a hard time answering and I go and I look at her and I go, dead dead straight 9, I go, I am not perfect.

 

I know this. So please, I need you to think about this like some of the flaws that you see in me so that I can continue to get better.

 

Yeah. Well, it's like you almost have to at some points, just give permission. Like, it's okay for you to criticize me.

 

Right. Yeah. And and communicate. I yeah. I definitely and and I know sometimes she wishes I would just be quiet. There have been times. Sure. There have been times. You know, and that's 1 of those things.

 

I think it's difficult a lot of times or the man in the marriage to know when is a time to fix and when is a time to just sit and have an open ear to listen, you know, because, especially with our relationship, he's always trying to, you know, better everything, which is great.

 

And fix, you know, something that's wrong. If the car is broken, he wants to fix the car. If the mower's broken, he's gonna fix the mower. If there's something wrong with me, he wants to be able to fix it.

 

That's not always the Sure. So sometimes it's just having somebody sit and listen to what's wrong and, you know, maybe give me feedback on how I can do things better, but you can't always necessarily fix the situation.

 

So that's kind of a difficult thing to have to navigate as well. Well, and sometimes it doesn't even need to be fixed.

 

It just needs to be heard or addressed or whatever. And it it goes both ways. Right? In whatever role you fill in a relationship, it's important everybody wants to feel validated or or feel important.

 

And and actually what we're talking about that making other people feel important. For any of our lizards, if you're familiar with decks then you're probably also familiar with the Addie recorded for us for Jewel's online company.

 

So let's talk about being the bearer of creations real quick, Joel. Do you wanna jump on this?

 

Yeah. So I own a business, and I like to make custom made items. So I generally do mostly cups, but I also make birthday decorations and shirts and cake toppers and hats, pretty much anything that you want that's a custom item.

 

I would love to have some people reach out, and, you know, I can make a item for you.

 

Well, how do how do people do that? So you can go to my Facebook page, the be and the bear creation. There's a couple of be in the bears out there. Yeah. Well, yours says it's like a a yellow beehive as your your logo.

 

Right? Yep. Actually, Dax here, he created my logo for me. So, yeah, it's got a beehive on it. It's a yellow background, and I believe it says the bee and the bear creations at the bottom.

 

So you reach me there. You have Instagram or anything else, email, anything like that? I don't have Instagram yet. So I want to open up an Instagram page. I think that's another plot where I could really get some more people.

 

But as of now, it's just Facebook. You can just private message me or comment on my page and I can get back to you. And so we can find being embarrassed through Dax's page, I assume, through your page, or is this not linked?

 

Or how do we It should be linked to both of our pages. Okay. I believe. It should be. It will be after this though. Right? Oh, definitely.

 

We're gonna go double check. I think it is, but I said it does what it's told. I will Absolutely. No. There you go. On the record. Guys, if you are interested and if you've heard the ad before and check them out previously.

 

Feel free to stop in and check them out. Otherwise, I I appreciate you guys taking some time. Obviously, while your kids are getting self entertaining value.

 

Yep. They enjoyed it. But I I'm I'm glad we could block out a little bit of time and to all of our listeners, thank you for tuning in and listening to this interview as well.

 

If you guys wanna hear more from Dax from Jewel from either or feel free to send them a message. They're gonna be tagged in all of the ads for this episode as well.

 

You can also send an email to survival dad y t at gmail dot com. And we'll be able to respond or get you guys in touch if you want more about being a bear creations or more from dax in general.

 

So with that, again, I appreciate your time, Dax Jules. Thank you guys very much for for coming on. Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to speak.

 

It's valuable to spend your time being with put your what where your minds at out there. So it's good. To use the words to say things. Yeah. Sorry. I was watching my son play with the crayons over to the side.

 

So I was just kinda like, is he gonna draw on the wall? No. Snack time. We get to share information and our experiences, and hopefully other people can, you know, gain some you from that.

 

That's 1 of the things we we hope we can do is help people understand how to build better relationships and just exemplify what it what it means to know, be a loving husband and also be a loving a a wife in the process.

 

And being that represents representation for our children. Sure. I mean, then that's what it comes down to. Right? Like that is the whole point, I think, at least, of exemplifying the human condition.

 

Right? So survival takes communication, guys. I I appreciate it. To all of our listeners again. Thank you. I appreciate it. And with that, folks, I'm Porter. I'm your host, and that was SDYT the podcast.